She Said WHAT?!?!

On a recent road trip, my Mom and I were having a typical chat about the romance novels we were reading when our conversation took a bit of a turn. Suddenly, we went from lamenting the conflict keeping the beloved characters apart to a whole bunch of sexy/smutty/slutty/inappropriate words and phrases commonly found in romance novels. Here’s the conversation.  The Diva Kerr-ina

Kerri: I’ll tell you what word I hate more than any other word in the world. Actually, I can’t even say it out loud, but it rhymes with bitties.

Kerri’s Mom: Oh yeah? Well, I don’t like the C word – you know, like a rooster. And I don’t like rod and W.P. either.

Kerri: Oh yes, you hate the W.P. (W.P. stands for a very common phrase in romance novels – a wet hoo-ha.)

Mom: Well, who likes it? The only W.P. I want to hear about is when my cat gets soaked in the rain.

Kerri: Exactly.

Mom: Furthermore, the scrotum is not attractive. I hate when they say how GLORIOUS it is. Nothing down there is beautiful.

Kerri: Gross. How come no one ever has morning breath in the romance world?

Mom: How come they always look into each other’s eyes and “just know” what that person is thinking? I’ve been married to your dad for forty years and I don’t know what the hell is going on in that head.

Kerri: What about when the heroine is short but still has long legs?

Mom: And the hero imagines them wrapping around him.

Kerri: That makes me think about an octopus crushing someone to death. Oh, and why are they always PUNCHING numbers into the phone? I get they’re supposed to be angry but cell phones don’t work like that.

Mom: And that’s a stupid phrase anyway. I don’t like the use of “pounding,” know what I mean?

Kerri: Gahhhh.

Mom: And I hate the terms mound, nub and throbbing. And no one should talk about kissing lips unless they are on a face.

Kerri: Anything else?

Mom: Yes. I don’t like when they have sex after an injury, gun shot, operation and/or flu.

Kerri: I can’t even wash dishes when I have a hang nail.

Mom: Exactly. And we haven’t even mentioned the bulging rooster.

Kerri: Bulging c*ck doesn’t bother me. But I hate when it twitches.

Mom: WHAT?!?! Twitches?

Kerri: Oh yeah, this is a pretty popular phrase now. His cock gave a little twitch in appreciation or anticipation.

Mom: That is really stupid.

Kerri: And gross.


There you have it, folks. Like mother, like daughter. What? Isn’t this what you talk about in the car?

Your turn – tell us what word or phrase you could do without in the comments below.

16 thoughts on “She Said WHAT?!?!

  1. What I really want to do right now is write in all caps and basically just repeat the words I LOVED THIS, THIS WAS HILARIOUS, KERRI’S MOM YOU ARE THE BOMB DIGGITY,(now I see where Kerri gets it from) so forth and so forth. Seriously, you ladies should a)hit the road with this stand up act b)write a coffee table book together.

  2. Hahahaha! Kerri, I asked (seriously, I did) about the “twitch” once in a writing conversation at home, and have it on good authority that it’s not normal for men to walk around with appreciative twitches occurring below the belt.

    Although we do have a certain ability to complete each other’s sentences after thirty-three years. And give each other a “look” in certain situations. But it is mostly “unbelievable , huh?. You can’t make this stuff up” or “just you wait until we get alone and can discuss, and believe me it won’t be to shower affection, buddy”

    High fins for a fab Monday morning post!

  3. I laughed! And I’m currently editing and not laughing, so thanks for the diversion. Please discuss “quickening”. And “manhood”. Is it just me or are those words ridiculous?

  4. This is hilarious! Thank you Mermaid Kerri for a great Monday post. Thankfully I haven’t seen these phrases in the books I’ve been reading lately (although I read a lot of horror, but also some super hot category romances:), so maybe I’ve been lucky. But now I’m wondering if I read more romances will I find more of these phrases? Naw…you and your Mom are just teasing, right? Okay, now I’m worried. I need coffee, my brain is over thinking this entire WP, roosters and “c” word business.

  5. Your mom sounds like a blast!! I tell my kids they can ask me anything. Somedays I’m sorry to hear the topic of discussion. Their friends suffer from TMI and ask my kids to ask me. Giving advice through a surrogate isn’t fun.

  6. I’ll be smiling all day, thanks, Kerri! My top five pet peeve words/phrases in romance novels are: ample/heaving bosom, throbbing c**k, pouting lips, raised brow, and of course the overtly cliched “tingle of electricity” that happens with every first encounter with “the one.” As a writer, these phrases are so ingrained that It’s painful to try not to use them and to come up with new and different ways to describe the intimacies of a relationship. Someone should teach a workshop on this!

    1. PJ, I will be seeing you sooner than the others, we’ll take time for follow-up discussion. I’m sure others nearby will be happy to contribute!

  7. Too Funny! My pet peeve is the other “C” word! I miss my mom, she would have appreciated this!

  8. I love conversations like that. I hate the other “C” word- rhymes with blunt. I agree with your mom, private parts aren’t pretty. Great post!

  9. I could have never had such a conversation with my mother, so it’s great to read this. What a laugh. But I don’t think I’ll ever hear the word twitch again and not laugh.

  10. Susan A, I need brain bleach now. Thanks.
    Kerri, this was hilarious! I’ve now started a document “What Women Hate to Hear”. And I wholeheartedly agree on all of the above. And throw the word clit in there too. Please, we’re women, we know what’s down there. You don’t have to spell it out for us. Thanks for the Monday laugh.

  11. Hi everyone! Thanks so much for all of the awesomesauce comments. I would have responded sooner but I’ve been visiting with my Mom all day long, possibly coming up with a new list for next time…. 😉

  12. Kerri,
    Your mom is the bomb! Seriously. When I imagine her sitting in the bookstore and organizing all the Nora Roberts books, I laugh out loud. Especially as a customer and not employee. Lol.
    I remember us talking about your mom’s disgust at some of the sayings, but it just gets better every time. I’m really thinking you should write a short story with every single one of these phrases/words. It would be so funny!
    I HATE the morning-after kiss. I don’t know why anyone thinks their breath wouldn’t stink. Even after almost fourteen years of marriage, I still won’t kiss my husband until we’ve both brushed our teeth. That’s my pet peeve.
    Oh! And how guys in books (and real life as well) think if nipples are hard it means that they’ve done something extraordinary. How about the girl is cold? Or has some sensitivity there? Or maybe she’s just perky on her own without any help from the guy??? Why does it have to be that she’s ready to move things to the next level??? Why not be a true gentleman and offer her a sweater? Ever think of that??? Huh? They are just nipples!

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