Several weeks ago I sort of volunteered to give a talk at our school’s annual faculty retreat. The day is filled with breakout sessions, much like the typical romance writing conference. Usually, the experienced teachers are quick to propose their pilgrimages, their prayer retreats, their journey of faith through the study of art… anything that might help fill a day of Teacher Detention. They’re the wise ones of the faculty: they know how to fill time. I’m not a popular teacher: I sit in the peanut gallery.
So why, this time, did I put myself in the hot seat? My work BFF, raised in the evangelical Christian tradition, summed it up: “You have been Called. Do It.” I thought for a second, told myself stop thinking, and shot off a possible topic to the organizer.
My proposal, on Finding God in the Midst of Suffering, was accepted immediately. What? No argument? No questioning? No “gee, we appreciate your thought, but…” Nope. In this game of Tag, I was It.
Librarian that I am, I started with marathon research, viewing the topic from every conceivable angle. The results were depressing. With good reason: how could the human experience of suffering, with all its dimensions of pain, anxiety, despair, and agony not be depressing? We’re not talking about build-your-own sundaes here.
I printed out pages and pages of learned examinations of suffering. Those genius brains had written volumes that avalanched down the high hills of history and buried unassuming teachers alive.
Every single time I tried to read these papers, my eyes glazed over. I couldn’t do it. I had nothing. Do you hear me, world? Nothing!
Worse, I was facing off against a more experienced teacher. His talk was on Gratitude. Great, I complained at home. I get the widows and orphans. He gets the cool people, the ones who are easy to please. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Having been programmed against the Catholic high school equivalent of Kristan Higgins or Nora Roberts, I printed out 15 handouts. Nobody would come, I figured. I stopped trying.
When the hour of doom came, people trickled in, picked up the handouts from the chairs, and, to my surprise, didn’t get up and rush to find a seat at the (better) (happier) (more fun) celebrity talk. More people came in. We ran out of handouts. The room filled. What were they thinking? Didn’t they know they were in the wrong room?
Raymond introduced me. I was petrified, mortified, A Beautiful Mind come to life. “It’s not my job to make you feel better,” I said, to start. “ Or solve your problems. And everything that goes wrong in this talk—“ I pointed at the friend who’d put me here “– is all his fault.”
They laughed. Then, as I assured them we didn’t have time to cover all my stories of suffering, they began to quiet. When I touched on my problems with post-partum depression, the room went dead still. Nothing I said was complex or earthshaking. It was me sharing, my own sad, stupid experiences. My own struggles to find my way back to the light. And three verses of Scripture I hoped would guide them, and me, through the shit-storm.
And somehow, it worked. This presentation, weak and ill-prepared, this testimony, touched my peers. Not just immediately, but every day for a full week, people shared their own experiences privately. And thanked me. Praise can be humbling. Disconcerting. Confusing.
I found myself in a conversation with a fellow teacher, a woman I admired and feared. Her congratulations were difficult to take, and I’m afraid I blurted out how bewildered I was.
“Are you kidding?” she said. “It was so completely different from anything we’ve ever had at retreat before. And you said what you felt, and you were honest. And you said things that were real.”
Now, taking this back to the perpetual Mermaid topic, how does this story speak to writing? We writers put ourselves out there, every day. We kill ourselves to tell stories. Our audiences compare us to award-winners, childhood favorites, geniuses of the craft, and the other writers who inspired us to take up our pens. I can’t compete with the Greats. But I can tell stories and this is what readers look for… the fresh, new, personal voice. We can’t compete with the Noras and Kristans in RomanceLand, but we can entertain. We can share our stories and touch people. All we need to do is speak from the heart.
Susan, I love this story! Thanks so much for sharing it with us today. It is a great reminder that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. All we can do is be true to ourselves.
Pintip, thank you so much! There were certainly many “poor me’s” when I found out a dearly loved colleague was presenting after me, and would certainly eclipse my Very Depressing Presentation. As it turns out, he was as moved as the others. I was totally wrong, and am not happy with myself for being so ungenerous. A good lesson!
Susan,
Why would you be surprised by the success of your talk? When you talk, people listen. About anything. Even when boys steal your lunch or whatnot. 🙂
Here’s the thing. Everyone has had some suffering in their lives. Everyone. If you haven’t, then you haven’t truly been living. Even if it’s not your own personal story, our hearts connect to other people who may be suffering. Just because you haven’t lived through a tsunami doesn’t mean your heart can’t break by thinking about the people who lost loved ones under those circumstances. We can all relate.
Your stories may have been about post-partum depression and finding your light again, but other people related because they’ve also needed to find a light. That’s always a comforting thing.
Great post, Susan! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Kim — It came back to me early this week when the man who introduced me was notified of his father’s sudden death. He told me how much he’d appreciated hearing the talk — and he’d saved his copy of my handout.
I think it’s all about the magic of putting yourself and your experiences into the story.
And you, my friend, are serious magic. <3
Thank you, pretty lady, it was a strange and wonderful experience. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I love this Susan. I’m so proud of you as you are one of the single most entertaining and straight from the heart people I know. You know, I was sitting at a concert this weekend and from out of nowhere, the singer changed it up from upbeat songs to a very slow and sensual one. I couldn’t help but be pulled in and I kept wondering, what in the world and how frightening it would be to be up on that stage and singing this extremely sensual song to a bunch of strangers. But the singer had a story to tell and the sincerity showed it was from the heart. It gave me the courage to say the things I need to say in my romance.
I needed to read this today, not because I have been suffering, but because I have been too busy to think. I appreciate being brought back onto the bottoms of my feet, to feel where I am walking. Your talk was authentic, and authenticity has been tossed around a lot lately so I don’t speak much about it. But this kind of talk defines the concept perfectly and that’s why it touched so many people. Good for you. Do something like that again and you will touch more lives than you know. Thanks for sharing.