12 Aug 2013 17 Comments
On a recent road trip, my Mom and I were having a typical chat about the romance novels we were reading when our conversation took a bit of a turn. Suddenly, we went from lamenting the conflict keeping the beloved characters apart to a whole bunch of sexy/smutty/slutty/inappropriate words and phrases commonly found in romance novels. Here’s the conversation.
Kerri: I’ll tell you what word I hate more than any other word in the world. Actually, I can’t even say it out loud, but it rhymes with bitties.
Kerri’s Mom: Oh yeah? Well, I don’t like the C word – you know, like a rooster. And I don’t like rod and W.P. either.
Kerri: Oh yes, you hate the W.P. (W.P. stands for a very common phrase in romance novels – a wet hoo-ha.)
Mom: Well, who likes it? The only W.P. I want to hear about is when my cat gets soaked in the rain.
Mom: Furthermore, the scrotum is not attractive. I hate when they say how GLORIOUS it is. Nothing down there is beautiful.
Kerri: Gross. How come no one ever has morning breath in the romance world?
Mom: How come they always look into each other’s eyes and “just know” what that person is thinking? I’ve been married to your dad for forty years and I don’t know what the hell is going on in that head.
Kerri: What about when the heroine is short but still has long legs?
Mom: And the hero imagines them wrapping around him.
Kerri: That makes me think about an octopus crushing someone to death. Oh, and why are they always PUNCHING numbers into the phone? I get they’re supposed to be angry but cell phones don’t work like that.
Mom: And that’s a stupid phrase anyway. I don’t like the use of “pounding,” know what I mean?
Mom: And I hate the terms mound, nub and throbbing. And no one should talk about kissing lips unless they are on a face.
Kerri: Anything else?
Mom: Yes. I don’t like when they have sex after an injury, gun shot, operation and/or flu.
Kerri: I can’t even wash dishes when I have a hang nail.
Mom: Exactly. And we haven’t even mentioned the bulging rooster.
Kerri: Bulging c*ck doesn’t bother me. But I hate when it twitches.
Mom: WHAT?!?! Twitches?
Kerri: Oh yeah, this is a pretty popular phrase now. His cock gave a little twitch in appreciation or anticipation.
Mom: That is really stupid.
Kerri: And gross.
There you have it, folks. Like mother, like daughter. What? Isn’t this what you talk about in the car?
Your turn – tell us what word or phrase you could do without in the comments below.